Best clean jokes?

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Best clean jokes?

Post by Advocate »

Know any?

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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by JarJarDrinks »

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
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Re: Best clean jokes?

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Zenith »

Dad had just bought a new robot, with a built-in lie detector. Every time it detects a lie, it punches the liar.
He brings the robot home, and decides to try it out at the dinner table.
Dad: "Son, where have you been today?"
Son: "I was at school, daddy"
-The robot punches the son!
Son: "Okay, I was at a friend's place, we watched a DVD!"
Dad: "What DVD?"
Son: "Toy Story"
-The robot punches the son again!
Son: "Okay, okay, it was a porn movie!"
Dad: "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what a porn movie was!"
-The robot punches dad!
Mom: "Hahaha! He really is your son!"
-The robot punches mom...
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Re: Best clean jokes?

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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Gergall »

You may have heard this one, it won a big joke competition some years ago:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Gergall »

This one is dirty but not that bad. Or maybe it is bad. I've heard much much worse. You be the judge:

In the forest, two hunters are testing out cutting-edge rifle technology: a high-powered scope allows them to see for miles.
"Check it out," says one hunter. "I can see clear into town."
"I can see your house," says the other hunter. "Uh oh. I have some bad news."
"What's wrong?" asks the first hunter.
"I can see into your bedroom window. Your wife is cheating on you." replies the second hunter.
Furious, the first hunter yells "Shoot him in the balls! And shoot her in the head!"
"OK," says the second hunter, and he fires one shot.
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by raith »

A guy walks into a bar, and says "Ow"
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Rogue4 »

This one was always popular with elementary schoolers.



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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Mr. G »

raith wrote:A guy walks into a bar, and says "Ow"
x2
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Shadow 13 »

Two blondes are walking through the woods when they find some tracks. One blonde says "I think they're cougar tracks!" The other says "No they aren't, these are clearly bear tracks." Just after she said that, they were both hit by a train.
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by The Smoking Gungan »

Gergall wrote:This one is dirty but not that bad. Or maybe it is bad. I've heard much much worse. You be the judge:
i don't think a joke that starts with catching a wife in the act of committing adultery and ends with teabaggin' fits the definition of a 'clean' joke

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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Gergall »

The Smoking Gungan wrote:
Gergall wrote:This one is dirty but not that bad. Or maybe it is bad. I've heard much much worse. You be the judge:
i don't think a joke that starts with catching a wife in the act of committing adultery and ends with teabaggin' fits the definition of a 'clean' joke
I really just wanted to tell the joke. Was it obvious?
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by Shadow 13 »

it was a good joke, but not necessarily clean. here's a clean joke:

Q. What do you call police officers who are twins?

A. Cop-ies!
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Re: Best clean jokes?

Post by mr007agent »

Lesson on how to catch a polar bear:

First, you need to buy a bag of peas, as they are the polar bears favorite food. Next, you have to cut out a hole in the ice. Finally, you place the peas around the hole. Then all you have to do is wait for the polar bear to take a pea and kick him in the ice hole!
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